What Makes a Real Friend? Disability, Trust and Connection

In today’s episode, we’re talking all about relationships and connection – from friendships and family to dating, online connections, and everything in between. Plus, we hear part three of Alistair’s new series, “Pavement Guest,” where he talks about temperature control and global warming in his own unique style.

00:00:00 - Start
00:01:16 - Intro
00:01:42 - Good news
00:09:15 - Relationships discussion - The Different Ways We Connect part 1
00:13:21 - Pavement Guest by Alistair Scriven
00:18:52 - Relationships discussion - The Different Ways We Connect part 2
00:27:05 - Final Thoughts

Project Managers: Andrea Rai & Phil Powell.

Editor: Phil Powell

Huge thanks to the National Lottery Reaching Communities Fund for supporting our Dis-labled podcast. Learn more about their amazing work: https://www.tnlcommunityfund.org.uk

All enquiries: podcast@communityfocus.co.uk
Website: https://www.communityfocus.co.uk/

Theme Music: Rastko Rasic & the students of Community FocusOther Music: Jazzy Frenchy by ⁠⁠⁠Benjamin Tissot

Transcript

Start

unknown 0:05

Community Focus. Community Focus. We're here for you. Our point of view. At Friary Park. Yes, north London . A week review. We're here for you. Yay! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

Carol 0:39

Community Focus is an art centre for children and adults with disabilities. We are based in the borough of Barnet, North London and offer a selection of creative and well-being activities for all ages.

unknown 1:05

Carol Jonathan Havva and Amir.

Intro

Jonathan 1:16

In today's episode we're talking all about relationships and connections, from friendships and family to dating, online connections and everything in between. Along the way we hear part three of Alistair's new series, Pavement Guest, where he talks about temperature control and global warming in his own unique style.

Good news

Carol 1:51

So I'm going to a party in Eastleigh and it's my cousin's birthday. He's turning six years old. And um I'm at um yeah, it's gonna be fun. It's it's apparently a football party since he likes football.

Gila 2:09

Do you think you can kick so many goals to beat your cousin? I don't I don't know.

Carol 2:23

I don't I don't know if football's gonna be the I don't know how I don't know what it's gonna be football, sure. Yeah, but I don't know what it's gonna look like. So Hava How has your um weekend been Hava? How has your week been so far? It been good.

Havva 2:47

Oh yeah, my cat's jumped me. My new cat is she jumped me and she scared me. And I did I need to spill my tea because she jumped on me and she's making me scared. She was behind me and she needed to me over. She's a naughty cat. It's behind you, it's behind you, it's behind me, huh? I saw her last I made her scared, and she ran upstairs and made her jump swell and went boo! And she ran upstairs, and there's mummy there, uh princess. She's a lovely cat. Oh Phil, how's your weekend?

Phillip R 3:38

What about face anything very much? Um yeah, it's been busy. Uh I've been busy. Been been seeing my partner my girlfriend, my partner Karen. And she's came down to see me on Wednesday and I'm gonna see her tomorrow as well. And we're having a nice pizza. Hammond pineapple pizza. Ooh, yes. Very nice.

Carol 4:04

Ooh. I I actually like ham and pineapple and pizza. It's actually quite nice.

Phillip R 4:13

I'm looking so I'm looking I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to it, you know?

Carol 4:17

Yeah. Jonathan, do you like pineapple and pizza?

Jonathan 4:21

No, I do not.

Carol 4:23

It's so nice, it's it's like got all those toppings on and it makes the pizza sweet and like s like savory. You should you it's so nice.

Andrea 4:33

I hear a debate coming on.

Jonathan 4:37

I respectfully disagree.

Carol 4:41

I that that that is like that is like insulting, like it's a crime not to like it. Like, why Jonathan?

Phillip R 4:50

Um Jonathan. What is your favourite pizza? Or do you like pizza?

Jonathan 4:56

I do like pizza, but I'm very picky about my pizza. My standards are weird. I actually don't like having the tomato sauce on it. Yeah, so it it's uh yeah, and it's not every place does it without the tomato sauce, because the tomato sauce on the pizza is always a bit too sour, and I don't like the sourness of tomatoes.

Gila 5:21

Jonathan, do you could get I see some places that the white cheese interesting?

Carol 5:46

Has your week been good?

Jonathan 5:49

My week has been my week's been interesting. It's been uh rather unique as weeks go. Thank you for asking.

Carol 5:59

I was told to.

Jonathan 6:02

Of course you were.

unknown 6:13

And I've just been told to ask you how you're gonna be um so basically I'm doing a project based on noir, and my theme is based on isolation. And um I've been doing a new artwork and I've completed it during the week. Um and it came out really well. I I I got inspiration from like I don't know if you heard of um Mark Barrel. Barable? He does like isolation and human conditions. I was inspired by his artwork because he shows like expression and like pain and fear, so like negative emotions. So I got inspiration from him. Um and um I took a picture with like lighting shadow and then I kind of like did it on paper. Yeah.

Phillip R 7:22

What made you uh interested in him?

Carol 7:25

I like his um his style of art. He does like creepy he does creep he does creepy like based artwork where he explores emotions and like fear and isolation and the st he mainly like focuses on like acrylic and his art that's interesting.

Gila 7:49

Carol, I at least saw for photo, I think you're referring to. Um it was really great piece. It I can see for darkness and get into for lightness. It was very, very good. Well done.

Carol 8:05

Well thank you, Gila. Um here's like a tip if you have artwork and you think it's bad, go like really far away and look at it, and then you'll see that it's good. Because like a close up, you think it's bad, but like far away, it's actually like it's good. If you like s squin your eyes, it's good.

Gila 8:28

When it was younger when it was younger, I used to do artwork and I just scraper all over for my artwork because um I didn't think it was good, so I w I used to draw something and did a scrapper all over me.

unknown 8:50

That is a bollical. Thank you, Carol. I am a bollical Why so negative about yourself? Because I am

Relationships discussion - The Different Ways We Connect part 1

unknown 9:15

today's topic is relationships and connections. What kind of relationships do we have?

Phillip R 9:24

Well, I had I had uh my late wife Susie. She was in she was she had several palsy and at Marsley and she was in the wheelchair and I met her at my foster home where I used to work with people with MS. And it took a month they put the CD beside me because I was doing a crossword, a quiz that day. And um it took a month to realise we're talking, we're talking. We've got a lot of things in common as well. And they we um oh my god. They they caught us kiss k we're in in the quiet room in we're we're at the home and they we started kissing and they caught us kissing in the quiet room. One of the staff caught us kissing in the quiet room and sent me to the office and said, right, it's either Susie or the Marie Foster home. And I chose Susie. How romantic. And l and later on I I got in in the now in the dining room, I got I'm bent I got down on bending knees and asked Susie to marry me, and she said yes. And we we got her dad died, and her dad and my dad used to work at the same participation in Hatterfield. And we both went to the same school but in different years as well. So and she was 11 years older than me. I was a toy boy. But I got something out of it. I got an award from the rotary club for all the hard work I've done at the My Foster home. And I got a wife as well. And also, my mum didn't want my mum didn't want me want me to my mum didn't want me to work at all. She wanted me to spend the rest of my life at my day centre in Collingdale. I thought, no way. How how'd you get on with your cat, Heather?

Havva 11:14

My new cat is she's alright, and there is um princess, and then it's Mabalette's number she's Mabalette Princess. I call her Mabalette, num as she's my other one, she died. Number one, this is number two, Mabalette Princess. She's alright, she's very fluffy, she's very friendly, she goes to my mum, and sometimes she goes to my brother, sometimes she he doesn't go to him because she runs away from him. He comes to me a lot and my mum. And she kisses me sometimes.

Phillip R 11:49

Does she go does she come on your lap?

Havva 11:51

Yeah, she comes on my lap, yeah. She likes to come in my lap and she and she purrs.

Phillip R 11:56

Why is it a relationship you love cats?

Havva 12:01

I I've got a cat. I had a cat a long time ago. I had plenty of cats. I'm lonely at home because I'm I've gotten uh she's my friend I get talking to her and she she give me company. She's my best friend. And I've got something, if I get upset, I talk to her. To make her to give her company. Not now, I'm gonna buy a boy. I went up there Monday and they didn't have it. So they come in next week, Thursday. I'm gonna look at it. What wouldn't I like? The boy, the cockatoo, for my cat. Give her company. She's still looking for the other one.

Carol 12:47

What do you like about your cat?

Havva 12:49

Oh, she's very friendly. I like cats. I had cats before. I'm not a dog lover because I don't have to look after dogs. Because I don't put dogs in the house.

Gila 13:01

Is looking after a cat easy?

Havva 13:07

Cat is easy to look after and to clean it. That's my job.

Pavement Guest by Alistair Scriven

Alistair 13:21

Pavement Guest by Alistair Scriven. Episode 3: Temperature Control. Having climate problems is not very appealing to the carnivorous of today. Geologists do make forecasts on previous historical facts. Do they trip themselves up? Well, subtleties of data can be explained. If you want to forecast in the weather, that can be skeptical and may be inevitable. If it wasn't sceptical, it would certainly be inevitable. If it was totally sceptical, then the forecast would be commendable if it was inevitable. Inevitable encompasses a wide range, even sceptical is flexible. If they are correct in forecasting, it wouldn't be sceptical as that is inevitable, obviously. But whether it is fortuitous is certainly open to question. If not foreseeable, is worthy of contemplation and condemnation by the sceptics, and is open to debate by all factions concerned. It will certainly be very commendable if we tackle this one with intrepidation. Even without intrepidation, it is commendable emphatically. I'm sure the latter will suffice us, as the former is far-fetched naturally. But can we get it done open to scepticism naturally? This makes us wonder do we need the moon? A quarter of a million miles away. Gravity keeps the moon in orbit around us, pulling on the oceans. If the moon was a little closer, the tidal barge would grow. If it was twenty times closer, London would be flooded as would New York eventually. If the Earth were to spin faster, there would be less hours. Billions of years ago, such days lasted five hours. There was plenty of evolution beforehand. The moon always changes in the summer. If it is warmer in the northern hemisphere and we have longer days in the southern hemisphere, they have shorter days and longer nights. We have seasons. If the Earth tipped over on the side, it would probably be very wet and the ice caps would melt. Huge amounts of fresh water would flood oceans. Sea levels would rise by 60 meters. Chaos would occur implicitly. The moon is far more important and useful than we realize, so don't devalue its credit. Focusing on the sun, it can influence the climate, but is not responsible for the warming trend. The sun is commendable as it helps keep the planet warm. The sun ejects materials into space. When the sun warms ground and ground warms air above it, this then evens out the atmosphere. There are differences in air temperature and pressure, but they both collide together. The proximity of sun does guarantee warmth. Whether that is fortuitous, but is open to speculation and not sceptical. If not skeptical, they may be favourably fortuitous, so the respective element is curtails. Being skeptical certainly being plausibly inclined, if not recommendably sought after. Well sought after is the best way forward for mankind. When fossil fuels are burned, they release large amounts of carbon dioxide and greenhouse gas into the air. Inevitably, greenhouse gases trap heat in our atmosphere, causing global warming. The emission of greenhouse gas would unleash heat in our atmosphere, preventing global warming. This may not be true, as the carbon dioxide is emitted for sure. Hardly formidable for the other, as emission of gases is not on a trajectory. Coal is adjusted to fuel sadly. A cheap form of oil releases energy, a large amount of carbon when burned. Natural gas is often costly depending on location and promoted as a cleaner energy and embellished. Fossil fuels must be halved within 11 years if there is any sympathy for global warming to be limited to 1.5 C above pre-industrial levels. The world needs to look at alternative sources of energy that are both less harmful and renewable is certainly digestible and enticing without scepticism. By Alice Describon. The end. Foresight may be useful in predicting any given situation. Insight may be effective as well, but once happened, hindsight serves no purpose but accept the consequences of our actions. Reactive and proactive are not intertwined, so are easily distinguishable. Complacency damages everything. Goodbye.

Relationships discussion - The Different Ways We Connect part 2

Jonathan 19:05

And basically if you spend a lot of time sort of taking in somebody's content online, you can get the impression that you would uh have a one-to-one sort of relationship with them, even though you clearly wouldn't be, and the person whose content you'll be looking at doesn't know who you are, but because you know who they are, it sort of creates an illusion that they are uh making their content specifically for you, and you think that you know them and they would naturally know you back, even though that's not the case. And it can make people act very strangely around these people if you ever get the chance to meet them in person, because a lot of people find when they meet the person who they've been looking at online in the real world, they'll find they're a very different person a lot of the time, and it can make things very awkward, and it has some very unhealthy activities that can be around it, and there's an obsessive quality around it as well. You know, people who get very lonely can develop parasocial relationships very quickly.

Phillip R 20:26

Jonathan, how did you hear about this?

Speaker 3 20:30

Uh I've seen YouTube videos about people who've had terrible experiences that involve parasocial relationships. There'll be internet stalkers, you know, those can end up happening because of parasocial relationships, people who need to get some serious mental help, you know, spend too much time consuming the content of a specific person, they might develop s develop an obsession or an infatuation with them, thinking that that person must love them and they'll ask for their love in return, that sort of thing. It can be very awkward and sometimes dangerous as well.

Carol 21:10

Have you ever experienced that before?

Jonathan 21:13

Thankfully no, no. Yeah, uh what little online presence I have, I don't think anybody uh ever sees myself.

Gila 21:25

Um Jonathan, is it uh uh do you class power parasocial relationships as a healthy or unhealthy relationship?

Jonathan 21:40

They're pretty much always unhealthy. The idea of a relationship should really, at least in my opinion, you know, as equal as possible, and a parasocial relationship is about as unequal as it can get, really. So, Ghila, you would like to talk to us about good old-fashioned friendship?

Gila 22:03

So for me I have relationships with friends. When I was at school I thought I had true friends but obvious obviously they weren't true friends because they were bullying me and I thought let's just keep being the friends and see where it takes us but actually it didn't take me anywhere because they were just making fun of me and basically not nice and making me feel depressed. Um but when I was at college we had a tutor group and I think my friend was in that tutor group and I thought let's just hang out with you just to see how you are and now we are friends till this very day and we just have a laugh. I feel like I didn't trust the friendships that I was having at school, but I still hang around with them. If I fall down they wasn't there to help me. But with for college they were um because I remember one time I was on the floor, lit we were, I think it was at lunchtime, and we were sitting on the carpet, we were just playing some songs, and his song came on, and literally I cried so much that I had to go to the toilet and just cry it out, and my after my friend from college came with me and made sure I am all okay.

Carol 24:16

So um for the type of relationship that I chose was online friends. So basically online friends is where you peep peop meet people online, it's more like virtual, but it's like you'll never meet them but they're your friends online and you have like a close connection with them. Um I feel like having online friends is quite underrated and some people don't see it as a friendship. They mainly see they mainly say like, oh, that's not really a friendship. It's more like you'll n y the that they are people that you'll never meet, so like but to me it's like a friendship 'cause you're learning about them and you're like you you you're coming like you're becoming close to them even though even if you don't message them that much then 'cause you 'cause you've made like a connection online. Um like online connection comes through like gaming because there's a lot of people that game and then they become like friends with someone. Um Discord is like a massive platform for people who make friends mainly for gaming.

Gila 25:32

Uh do you feel like online friendship um slash relationships are healthy or are not healthy?

Carol 25:45

Um it depends on the person behind the screen, like sometimes you gotta be careful uh who they are. So I would say it's like uh unhealthy and healthy at the same time because there's a lot of like bad people who wanna do things.

Phillip R 26:07

How long have you been on on online?

Carol 26:11

I've been gaming since I was like ten or nine, so having online friends probably like a lot about more than ten years, but on Discord when I actually started friending people, it was like five or six years or something.

Phillip R 26:29

Who introduced you to this group to this people?

Carol 26:32

Um, I don't think anyone really introduced me. I think it was more like I think it was more like me finding out friending people and then adding them on Discord. It's not really something to introduce, it's more like you meet people in the online game and you kinda introduce each other, and then if you feel like you like that person, you want to add them, you add them online and yeah.

Final Thoughts

Speaker 6 27:08

Goodbye from Gila and my final thoughts are it's always good to have friends who you can count on or anyone who you can count on. Um just be you around them.

Havva 27:28

Goodbye, um and um um Maria and goodbye and good night and goodbye for me. I'll say in English, goodbye Maria and good luck, and you're my best friend and say bye-bye from Hava to me. Listen to my bastard and everybody gala and c in Greece. Bye-bye for me from Hava.

Jonathan 27:59

Whatever the nature of your relationship may be, it's good to keep things as balanced as possible to avoid things being too unhealthy.

Carol 28:11

Choose your friends wisely.

Phillip R 28:14

My final thought of about relationships is just be happy.

unknown 28:20

Goodbye. Community focused, community focus, we're here for you. I want a view at five o'clock. A week in with you. We're here for you, yeah. Hooray Hooray Hooray Hooray